With the return of baseball nearly upon us, it’s time to preview the season the only way we know how: by picking the players who are going to produce the best GIFs in 2019. Welcome to the second annual All-GIF Draft!
In case you missed last year’s edition, here’s a quick refresher on the format. In a special edition of the podcast, we went back and forth drafting eight-man teams consisting of a player from each division, plus a “wild card” pick from each league. The goal was to create a team that would go above and beyond this year turning out thrilling moments that could easily be captured, packaged and shared in just a few seconds. We’re not just talking about walk-off home runs or filthy strikeouts (although those are cool too). Here are the seven tools we looked for when considering a player:
1. Bat flips: you know, when they flip the bats.
2. Antics: on-field or off-field.
3. Big Home Runs: big, big home runs.
4. Big Smile: the kind you’d wanna take home to your parents.
5. Unnatural Pitch Movement: “the ball shouldn’t go that way, Tim.”
6. Emphatic Displays of Emotion: “my God, did Chris Sale just take a bat with him into the clubhouse?”
7. Web Gems: the kind that get Scott Van Pelt amped on midnight SportsCenter.
We plan to check back in periodically to see how are teams are doing? Can we quantify that? Nope. Will we try? Absolutely. It’s way more fun than trying to predict who will win the World Series, anyway. Listen to the whole podcast here, and read on to find out how it all went down!
With that, Alex is on the clock…
1. Yasiel Puig, NL West
Yasiel Puig is the Mike Trout of GIFs, and there was no way I was going to let him get past pick #1. He’s the complete package: the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the celebrations, the wackiness, the throws. That GIF above, where he’s kissing Dansby Swanson? That’s in a playoff game! You don’t have to love him, but you have to respect his GIF prowess. (I’m kidding obviously. You do have to love him.) —Alex
2. Javier Báez, NL Central
Picking Javy Báez has put me in a crisis. You might be yelling at your computer: “How could you be mad about having Javier Báez on your team?! He’s fashionable. He’s a good sport. He embraces #SensualBaseball. And he’s a fucking GOOFBALL.” To that I would say: you’re right. Good luck trying to pick which GIF best represents that king. —Bobby
3. Francisco Lindor, AL Central
Lindor dropping to #3 felt like a gift from God, because almost no one has as much fun on a baseball field as Mr. Smile himself. It feels like every day he plays is his first day out on the Little League field and he just can’t contain his emotions. Consequently, he churns out GIFs like the Cardinals churn out stars from out of nowhere. —Alex
4. Bryce Harper, NL East
I used to feel slimy rooting for (and drafting) the cornerstones of rival franchises. But it was Harper who broke that curse for me. One day I woke up and thought, “Why do I even watch baseball if not to take joy in the self-indulgent hair flips and sassy bat flips of Bryce Harper?” That was a watershed day friends. I’ve slept better since that day. —Bobby
5. Joey Votto, NL Central
Inside Joey Votto’s deadpan shell is a teddy bear of a guy, who’s just as happy playing the villain as he is getting friendly with opposing team’s fans. He may not be the same hitter he was five years ago, but the GIFs have aged like fine wine, and the high floor makes him a must-have. (Also, he salsa dances with Eugenio Suarez after home runs? Yes please.) —Alex
6. Manny Machado, NL West
Frankly, Machado is the smoothest, most effortlessly-talented, smuggest dude in the whole league. He has the most adorable, punchable face I’ve ever seen. He’s a walking paradox. And dammit I think I’d sell my soul to him for like five bucks. —Bobby
7. Mookie Betts, AL East
Mookie probably could have gone second overall and I wouldn’t have had any issues with it. He’s got a smile that lights up the room, top-notch dance moves, the signature lip curl, and he’s pretty darn good at baseball to boot. He’s also always a web gem threat, which just feels like a cherry on top. —Alex
8. Matt Chapman, AL West
Matt Chapman is the best defensive third basemen I’ve ever seen. What he does at the hot corner is downright unfair. And, honestly, GIFs can barely do it justice. But here’s this GIF of him looking like Spider-Man without the benefit of CGI (and in a fucking gorgeous yellow A’s uniform), in the hopes that you will appreciate his wizardry as much as I do. —Bobby
9. Vladimir Guerrero Jr., AL East
Man, when the Blue Jays stop manipulating his service time, Vladito is gonna be one hell of a GIF producer. The homers! The wiggle of the hips! A smile you can dream on! We haven’t seen potential like this in years, so what a steal for me this late. —Alex
10. Amed Rosario, NL East
Rosario is one of the most tools-y young players in the game. But that’s not why I snagged him on my All-GIF team. For me, it’s about two words: effortless charisma. Whether it’s celebrating with his teammates in the dugout, or being a huge mood eating sunflower seeds alone, Rosario has the makings to become one of the most beloved Mets of my lifetime. —Bobby
11. Walker Buehler, NL West
Walker Buehler really has one calling card, and that is the extreme displays of emotion. Like, really extreme. I’m a little worried he’s going to pull a muscle with how hard he screams. He also has a bunch of extremely filthy pitches, so I guess that’ll do the trick too. —Alex
12. Max Scherzer, NL East
I chose Max Scherzer for his unrivaled intensity and his ability to make hitters look like their arms are made out of Jell-O. But I’m more than open to the idea of a GIF popping up of him playing with his dogs, who — oh, by the way — also have dichromatic eyes. Scherzer is a legend. —Bobby
13. Dee Gordon, AL West
I seriously crack up every time I see that GIF above, and I think it fully represents what I think makes Dee Gordon such a great pick this late in the draft: the dude is downright goofy. How many baseball players do you know who would do a flossing videobomb? I can think of one, and he’s on my team now.
14. Carlos Carrasco, AL Central
Those who have followed Tipping Pitches for a while will know that I have a weak spot for any pitcher with a slider that makes someone look like a fool. Well, Carrasco has that in spades. But, lost in his filthy repertoire of stuff is that fact that he’s loads of fun in the dugout. Water coolers on heads. Makeshift binoculars. Imitating his teammates. If that’s not enough, here are his daughters pretending to be him. I am dead. —Bobby
15. Ronald Acuña Jr., NL Central
Going through and trying to pick a perfect pick for Ronald Acuña Jr. reminded me of how much I love Ronald Acuña Jr. He leaves it all out on the field, and he seems primed to be a GIF All-Star for years to come. Also, name a more iconic duo than Acuña and Ozzie Albies. I’ll wait. —Alex
16. Jackie Bradley Jr., AL East
For my money, JBJ is the best center fielder in the league. He’s so damn good, he pushed Mookie Betts — a plus center fielder — to right field, and formed one of the most formidable defensive outfields I’ve seen in my lifetime. The sheer focus he shows when he’s going up to rob a home run, combined with his gazelle-like athleticism, is positively Griffey-esque. —Bobby
That does it for this year’s draft! If you haven’t already, make sure you check out the full episode, which features live reactions, some upset picks, and (almost) a draft-day trade!
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