While watching the playoffs this year, we noticed that a handful of players definitely looked like they could be our neighbors in Bushwick and tell us that “their older stuff was better.” So, in the spirit of past similar endeavors, we decided to pull together a list of players to create the very first All-Gentrification Team. If you read on, you’ll see that we’ve written a little bit about why each player decided to make the move from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Better bars? Better rent? Better vinyl selections? It’s all here.
We discuss all our picks in a little more depth on the podcast, so feel free to listen along if you want the full Tipping Pitches Experience.
Disclaimer: like 80% of this list is based entirely on facial hair. Also, we’re allowed to make fun of these guys because if you put them all together, we’ve mostly described ourselves.
Now, to the picks!
Daniel Norris (SP, Detroit Tigers)
I don’t even need to write anything for this one. Just look at him. He literally lives in his van. Didn’t catch that? Lives. In. His. Van. Do a Google Image search on him. I really had trouble picking a photo that captured his essence best, because they’re just all too good. Like, he absolutely leaves his Williamsburg apartment in the morning to grab a cup of his favorite house-roast coffee from Blue Bottle, takes it home to watch old Portlandia episodes (“it just went downhill after the first couple seasons”), and gets a little too excited when he hears there’s a Whole Foods moving into the neighborhood. —Alex
Archie Bradley (RP, Arizona Diamondbacks)
What do I even say here? The picture is worth a million iced oat milk lattes, right? The more-beard-hair-than-actual-hair look can be one of two things: male pattern baldness or gentrification chic 101. There are no other options. Plus, he checks the relief pitcher box. When your rent jumps up 20% next June, don’t look down the position player roster, look straight at these fuckin’ guys. —Bobby
John Axford (RP, free agent)
Look, Axford actually seems like a really good guy, but this was just too easy. Although he has since shed this look, he moved into Brooklyn a few years back because he felt more at home among fellow mustache aficionados (he tries to keep up with all the latest trends in home facial hair grooming). He’s also (seriously) a big movie guy but bristles if you don’t call them “films.” He can recite most of the Coen Brothers scripts by heart and has seen “Moonrise Kingdom” 19 times, and thinks “Fight Club” the book was way better. His favorite place to catch a flick is the Alamo Drafthouse where he can cozy up and sip some wine — good thing he’s only a couple stops away on the F train. —Alex
Pat Neshek (RP, free agent)
Full disclosure: I had no idea Pat Neshek had such a cute kid! That totally would’ve factored into my analysis of him on the podcast. Now, not only did he move to Park Slope so he could be closer to his memorabilia collection club, but also so that they could live in that recently-erected high-rise family apartment complex. It may be gentrification, but at least little Johnny (one can only assume, Johnny Neshek, that sounds legit) can trick-or-treat from the top floor down! Well done Pat, the green markets will love your family’s patronage for decades. Now, if only you could find a parking spot for that Cowboy Cadillac. —Bobby
John Jaso (C, free agent)
John Jaso really just, like, wanted to get away from it all, man. Manhattan just had too much negative energy that was messing with his feng shui and there’s more space in Brooklyn for him to contemplate what it means to exist (before he floats away on his sailboat, obviously). He also happens to be a lot closer to his weed dealer, which is a nice plus. He’s really gotten into hot yoga lately because it helps him get more centered, but it’s kind of weird how much he tries to explain Buddhism to you. Also, his neighbors in Manhattan were starting to get really annoyed with how much incense he was burning and his insistence on blasting Phish at full volume. —Alex
Hunter Pence (RF, San Francisco Giants)
I feel as though it’s important to reiterate, if you’ve made it this far, that this is in no way an effort to throw shade at any of these people. I love Hunter Pence! One of my best friends from elementary, middle and high school looked (and played baseball) quite like Hunter Pence. He is better at baseball than I will ever be at pretty much anything (read: everything in the world besides Super Mario Strikers on the Gamecube). But come on. Tell me he doesn’t own a hot yoga studio off the Bedford L stop. Tell me he doesn’t have a cousin who lives in Philly who took him to Hip City Veg one time. Tell me he doesn’t want to spend two years backpacking the South American Rainforest. You can’t! Unless your name is Hunter Pence, you can’t plausibly deny any of those things, and I love it. —Bobby
Sean Doolittle (RP, Washington Nationals)
I love him but I had to do it to him. Sean Doolittle, to his credit, is the conscious gentrifier. He goes to his neighborhood community board meetings to fight against the massive development slated to go up a couple blocks down from his apartment, and frequents the local bodega for his morning coffee instead of the new “rustic” café that just opened around the corner. He mostly moved to Brooklyn because he liked the music scene, and now he’s right by a couple DIY clubs where he can see his favorite underground metal bands. You’ll probably catch him at L Train Vintage on the weekends looking for a flannel or three, and when he’s not spending his evenings headbanging and throwing up the devil horns, he’s probably hanging at a hole-in-the-wall bar sipping on a PBR. —Alex
Dallas Keuchel (SP, Houston Astros)
My girlfriend, looking over my shoulder while I’m trying to choose a photo for Keuchel: “Wait, is that a v-neck under a suit jacket? Yeah, that’s the one.” We may not all love the t-shirt under a suit jacket look — it is extremely Orange County — but Keuchel is living his best life. And why not! He’s a handsome dude. He’s on that “went to college in the SEC and now I’m moving to a coastal elite city” hype. And boy, oh boy, is he rocking it. Please make room for his Dollar Shave Club kit in the vanity mirror, for Christ’s sake. —Bobby
Bryce Harper (OF, Washington Nationals)
The list wouldn’t be complete without the Wall Street gentrifier, and if Doolittle is conscious about the move, Harper is decidedly not. He and his finance bros really just moved to Brooklyn because it was cheaper (he doesn’t go further into the borough than Williamsburg), but he still managed to find an artisanal men’s grooming shop where he goes every two weeks to get a clean-up. Lately he’s been dabbling in DJ-ing, and he snagged a penthouse on the water where he’s able to throw parties on the regular “because there’s more space here.” While he feels bad the new condos going up are pushing locals out, he thinks if they work a little harder enough they’ll be able to afford one too. If you hang around with him long enough he’ll probably try and pull off something problematic, but don’t worry, he’s really just “appreciating the culture.” —Alex
R.A. Dickey (SP, Atlanta Braves)
On Aug. 25, 2010, I ruined R.A. Dickey’s best chance at a no-hitter. He had the knuckleball working and was cruising against the Phillies in a game at Citi when Cole Hamels came to the plate. Stupid ass 14-year-old me was like, “Ha wHat If ColE HAmeLs BRokE uP hIs nO-HiTTeR.” And then Cole Hamels broke up his no hitter. And he held the Phillies hitless through the rest of the game. I ruined it! It’s my fault! I’m owning up in digital ink! I’m sorry!
All jokes aside, R.A. Dickey legitimately sounds like an incredible person — like “write books about this person” incredible. He was a first round draft pick of the Texas Rangers, where he flamed out after finding out he literally didn’t have a UCL. He re-invented himself as a knuckleballer, in an age where if you’re not pushing 92 as a starter, you don’t even get a minor league contract. He’s a born-again Christian who takes pure joy from reading things like Life of Pi and the C.S. Lewis fantasy collection. He climbed Kilimanjaro — in the offseason, bruh — because he read a Hemingway book about it as a kid. He’s spoken on the record in several interviews about his mental health struggles and how he’s come to cope with that through God and family.
But, can’t you just see him pushing a stroller into your local sustainable coffee shop, looking dead tired and ordering an iced red eyed, happy that he has such a beautiful family to get him through the long days? Here’s to you, R.A. Dickey. Never change. —Bobby
Honorable Mention: Joe Maddon
Is he rocking the jean jacket and one-strapping a leather backpack? My god, Joe. I can’t even speculate where he does his shopping. It’s probably some place we’ve never heard of. We are all this man, in awe of Too-Cool-For-You Joe Maddon:
Links:
Songs featured in this episode:
Erykah Badu — “My Life” • Aretha Franklin — “Rock Steady” • Sza “Sweet November” • NONAME — “Sunny Duet”
Top photo: Phoebe Walsh
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