The Anatomy of an “F*** You” Home Run

Bryce Harper isn’t here for your Nats playoff curse takes. That’s why when the Nationals’ favorite frat star came up in the bottom of the eighth inning with his team down two runs — and on the verge of continuing their run of postseason disappointment — Harper executed one of the most sacred plays in baseball: the “F*** You” home run.

Harper is in the master class of “F*** You” home run hitters. When he gets a hold of one like this, the ball doesn’t just leave the stadium, it explodes suns and planets on its way out. It’s an eclipse, impossible to look away from. Don’t take my word for it, though. Just look at the reaction of Carl Edwards Jr., one of the best relievers in the NL (and somehow in no way related to Carl’s Jr., noted fast food giant).

He’s on his “My eyes will never witness beauty like this again” shit.

Certainly, an “F*** You” home run is something you can feel in your bones when you see it. But, not every one is as easy to identify as Harper’s Saturday night. So, let’s take this momentous opportunity to break down the building blocks that go into one of these glorious, glorious sights.

The postseason is low-hanging fruit when it comes to home runs like these. There’s a reason stars are made in October. Every moment is made more intense by the fact that not capitalizing can send you home. And in baseball, even stars tend to fail more often than not. That’s why when they don’t, it produces moments of absolute elation.

Harper came up in a high-leverage situation against one of the game’s elite, hard-throwing relievers. His team was down two runs, and the meat of the order was coming up. Making an out could have killed what was pretty much the Nationals’ best chance at a comeback. In the aggregate of his outstanding career, striking out right there probably wouldn’t have mattered. But when you consider the Nationals have perennially disappointed in the playoffs, and the fact that a loss Saturday night would have put them down 0-2 to the reigning World Series champs, that moment becomes Everest. Harper summited.

Situation? Check.

This one is a little more negotiable. Moonshots aren’t the only “F*** You” home runs, but hitting one 450 feet can’t hurt. You’re not going to feel that hair-raising rush if it’s a puny wall scraper. But, if the cameraman has to do a full pan up and a full pan down? Now we’re cooking with gas. No wonder noted Smashmouth impersonator Adam Lind is stoked.

PSA: Flaunt it if you got it.

Drake hit the gym incessantly. Now he flexes on Instagram. Baker Mayfield eviscerated Ohio State’s defense on the road en route to a 31-16 drubbing of a team that has College Football Playoff aspirations. Then he stuck a flag in their logo (or at least tried). Bryce Harper hit a monstrous home run. Then he did this:

You have to live your truth. If you want to pimp a home run, do it. To hell with unwritten rules.

While we’re here, let’s not forget the Godfather of what we saw Harper do. Yes, this is a shameless excuse to pay homage to Joey Bats.

So, you’ve hit the home run. You’re a giant middle finger jogging around the bases, your immaculate hair begging to burst out of your helmet, your shirt buttons popping off with each base you round. All the momentum is on your side. Your fans are cheering like white people watching “Wolf of Wall Street.” But, in order to put the finishing touches on your masterpiece, you have to actually finish it out and win the game.

That’s mostly out of Harper’s — and any other singular baseball player’s — control. But, how much of a “Fuck You” can it really be if the other team goes on to win. Yeah, you stuck it to that pitcher. Yeah, you made your stadium erupt. But you didn’t really finish the job, you just struck a little fear into them. Baseball is a game of luck and fate, so if you want to hit the ultimate “F*** You” home run, you’re going to need to leave the last building block up to the baseball gods.

Hopefully they’ll look upon you kindly, like they did to Bryce on Saturday night.